The Catholic Church in Scotland has sent a letter to Alex Salmond’s deputy, Nicola Sturgeon letting her know that they’re not talking to them.
When asked what was wrong, they replied, “Nothing”.
Upon further prompting, the cardinal was heard to say, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”
Mr Salmond has reportedly bought flowers and told him his bum does not look big in his cassock.
A source close to Mr Salmond told us, “Alex is acting upset, but is secretly glad of the peace and quiet. He doesn’t like listening to bigots.”